A fellow blogger posted something today that made me think of someone from my past. My English teacher from secretarial school. Secretarial School. Do they even have those kinds of schools any more? I’m guessing not. Geez. They aren’t even called secretaries now. If someone refers to me as a “secretary,” I immediately correct them and say “administrative assistant.” On that note, if someone asks me what I did in my previous life and I answer “administrative assistant,” it is usually followed by, “what is that?” Therefore, forcing me to say, “secretary.” So, really, what’s the point? Oh, wow. I digress. Big time.
Mrs. Schneider. She spoke with one of those fake english accents and would drag out the last word. “You sound like a cow chewing its’ cuuuuuudddddd.” You know. Kind of like Zsa Zsa Gabor but not. She wore pointy bras that just begged for us to call her “torpedo tits” (Tee Tee). And she buried 4 husbands. After 9 months with this lady, I think I could take a gander at what the cause of death was. Visions of cutting out their tongues because they ended a sentence with a proposition comes to mind. Can you imagine if she were still around to read my blog? I’d have to go around wearing a Hannibal Lecter-style mask for fear she would hunt me down and add my taste buds to her collection.
She was the Original Grammar Nazi. If we so much as spoke with a lazy tongue, we’d get a lashing. She abhored songs that did not use proper sentences. Let’s take The Rolling Stones’ “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” for instance. The use of the double negative would have sent her to the nearest loony bin. And if we didn’t answer with a “very well, thank you” when asked how we were, we were sent directly to secretary detention.
My biggest fear was misuse of the comma. Every time we had to write an essay, my anxiety would reach epic proportions. I inevitably would get my paper returned to me with big, fat, red marks. My assignment would look more like a subway map than homework. And to this day, I’m not really sure if I’m using commas correctly or not. Do I underuse them? Overuse them? Without Mrs. Schneider around, I guess I’ll never know.
Good Old Mrs. Schneider. Thanks for trying. I did walk away with quite a bit of useful information though. That’s for sure. But those commas. Damn commas (or should it be comma’s?) will forever be a burr in my butt. Forget about semi-colons. Oh, I gotta go lie down. Or is it lay down? No, no, I believe it’s lie down. Right? I mean, correct?