I had another MRI the other day (click here if you missed my first one). Because it’s been 6 months since my meniscus surgery and I am still suffering from knee pain. The kind of pain that takes me twice the amount of time to climb a set of stairs. Last time I checked I am a person, not a sloth. Although I do have to admit to feeling like a sloth at times. But that’s a whole other problem. All I can say is I promise you I know what it feels like to be 96. And it sucks so bad.
Anyway, this was my second MRI ever and I am a total expert by now. Here is what I noticed this time around:
- Why do they give you that questionnaire thingy when they don’t even look at it? How did I know they didn’t look at it? Because the guy re-asked me the questions. Like I was lying the first time. Yes, that’s what it was. I was lying. On second thought, I do have some shrapnel in my body. My bad.
- It is confirmed to me that I have adult ADD when I do something like this: not listen to a thing the nice man is telling me when I have to get dressed for my procedure. “Put on these pants and then….” “Did I turn off the oven? Wait. What?” Ok, so do I put the gown opening in the front or the back? Did he even say I had to put it on? Hello? I’m having my knee x-rayed. Not my boobs. Pay attention, pay attention…ooh, a squirrel.
- Thank you for the pretty picture of the beach you put on the ceiling. Too bad that by the time you roll me into the machine it is behind me. And because you said I couldn’t move, I had to roll my eyeballs all the way up practically into my head so I could enjoy it. Except I totally looked like I was either having a seizure or a bad drug experience.
- How come when The Kid had her MRI on her foot, they let her choose the radio station? Is it because I look like an old hag and they just assumed that I wanted easy listening? Aren’t they breaking some kind of Equal Opportunity laws or something?
- Apparently, Barry Manilow is the go-to guy for MRI’s. Except instead of singing to Mandy, he actually sang to me. I know this because he said, “this one’s for you.” Thanks Barry. You the man. Well, the MRI man, anyway.
- Why do the most itches happen when you can’t move? I could go all day without noticing an itch. But when instructed not to move for 25 minutes? It’s like a spider had babies on my ankle and all her little spider babies made their way all the way up to my ear. What is that?
- I suddenly remembered a time when someone I knew had to have a test and they couldn’t swallow. “Okay Mo, don’t swallow. You can do this.” Oh, wait. What am I doing? I’m here for an MRI. Right? Squirrel.
- Oh God, I’m gonna sneeze. Ooh, remember a long time ago that trapeze family fell to their deaths while doing a circus act because one of the members sneezed? That was terrible. But that won’t happen to me. Honestly, the only thing I’m worried about is the keys flying off the wall and stabbing me in the brain. It could happen.
So my prognosis? Something about the cartilage not healing all the way so I need to have some gel injections until it does heal. Whatever. Just as long as they don’t have to cut me open again. I can’t take any more old lady knee. Not that there is anything wrong with old lady knee. But I’m not ol…oh, never mind.