Monthly Archives: January 2016

What I Would Do With 1.3 Billion Dollars

powerball

NOT the winning ticket

I bought a Powerball ticket the other day for the first time in my life. I’m not a gambler by nature. I hate wasting my money in those slot machines. So this is a big thing for me.

When I was a new mother, my husband sent me away for a much needed break to a casino with some friends, and I stayed up until 4am. All I won were some bags under my eyes and a hangover.

I nearly bit all my nails off the one time I played roulette. When I talked myself into buying a roll of quarters, I hung on to them in case I needed money for a parking spot. Or for the machines at the laundromat even though I had my own washer and dryer at home.

I don’t know when the first drawing for the Powerball was or how much it was for, but I missed it. But that’s okay because I don’t think I knew there even was a Powerball. Then someone at work told me how big it grew because no one had won it.

Of course, I acted like I knew what they were talking about, and then proceeded to walk myself right on over to the Starbucks in the building, broke down and spent two bucks on a ticket.

I thought, “Hmm, who knows? Maybe I’ll have beginner’s luck.”  Although the odds are against me. Or anyone for that matter because not only did I not have the winning ticket (can you believe only six numbers were off?) but apparently no one else did either. Which brought the pot up to $1.3 billion.

First, let me tell you what your odds are. Or better yet, what you have a better chance of happening to you:

  1. Getting struck by lightning while drowning
  2. Being killed by an asteroid
  3. And my favorite: Having a vending machine fall on you

It’s been established that you stand a better chance of dying in a freak and rare accident than winning the Powerball.

So why partake? Because you just never know. And the investment is pretty low.

Anyway, what would I do if I won 1.3 billion dollars?

  1. For starters, I would pay the guy in the house behind us to stop running his damned wood chipper on Sunday mornings. He can’t possibly need small pieces of chopped up wood that badly.
  2. I would give money to my church. Mainly because I haven’t been in a couple years and that old Catholic guilt is rearing its ugly head even though I’m no longer Catholic.
  3. I would see a therapist about that old Catholic guilt.
  4. I would finally replace the carpet on our staircase. I’m pretty sure Mauve went out in the early 90s.
  5. I will give to every charity that did not cold call me during dinner time.
  6. I would buy a house with an in-law set up for that maid and cook I’ve always dreamed of.

Obviously, I could go on. But it would take a novel to list all the ways to spend 1.3 billion dollars.

So, am I going to play the Powerball this week? Yea, probably. Because my need to be included in everything far exceeds my need to hang on to two measely dollars.

Oh, but what I could buy with two dollars…

Another Cliche Filled Blog Post About New Beginnings

don't be afraid to live
I write this as I lie here nursing a hangover. Too many white chocolate martinis will do that to a person. I guess New Year’s Eve of 2009 taught me nothing.

It is now 2016. More than half the decade is behind us. This year I turn 49, have my 30th high school reunion and will be the mother of a college student.

Can you believe three gray hairs sprouted out of my head during the making of that last paragraph? It’s true.

It is also the year when if you write 2015 on your check you can easily change the 5 to a 6 (creds go to my 17 year old for pointing that out), but that’s just an extra perk.

Anyway, a few months ago I had one of those episodes where the breath gets sucked right out of your lungs, you start to sweat ice and your heart races at 783 beats per minute.

No, I didn’t get hit in the gut with a baseball. Or remembered that I forgot to DVR last night’s Grey’s Anatomy (yes, I am that obsessed). It was much worse than that.

I suddenly came to the realization that my life is half over (actually if I’m going to be accurate, midway probably came about five years ago but let’s not say that out loud).

I wasn’t freaked out that my life is more than half over. I was more terrified of the fact that there is so much I still need and want to do in my life. Somehow those first 48 years blew by with ne’er a stiff breeze.

bucket listI have experienced some wonderful things. I fell in love, became a mother and went to Ireland. I have a good life. I am generally happy. But is that enough? I realized my bucket is still pretty full. And having a full bucket is not the same as having a full glass or full belly. It isn’t satisfying.

What is in my bucket? Besides Clorox and hot water on cleaning day? I want to go to Italy, make love under the stars (ok so I did that once but I was 20 and drunk so it doesn’t count), and write a novel. Just to name a few.

I also want to be healthier (I understand that should be on the resolutions list but I’m lazy), volunteer more of my time to my community and fill my weekends with more than television and Candy Crush.

So, I have proclaimed 2016 to be my year (right along with about 10 million of you). What makes 2106 any different and special from the other years? I mean, I have been making myself Queen since 1995 and have done nothing but fallen off the throne halfway through January time and time again.

Because I realized my life is half over and there is literally no more time to f*ck around.

Life is fleeting and can change in an instant. I don’t want to be on my deathbed with regrets that I didn’t live my life to the best of my ability. That I didn’t accomplish the things that are important to me, or at least gave them a good fight.

So, welcome 2016. You are my year. I can’t wait to get started. Right after I take a shower.