I am a sleeper. Except for the very rare occasion that I cannot get my slumber on. When I say “rare,” I mean “rare” as in the number of kangaroos there are in Connecticut. In other words, I sleep. And I do it well.
I am of the laid-back ilk. Sure, I could have things on my mind, but once my head hits that pillow, it all goes into a little secret compartment somewhere. I’m not really sure where that compartment is. I think about that about as much as I do my thoughts when I’m sleeping. In case you missed it, that is never.
Anyway, at 3am this morning, my eyes flew open like a pair of French doors during a Texan hurricane. And every freaking thought known to man came crawling out of that little secret compartment, wherever it is, and started mocking me.
What were my thoughts? Let me tell you.
- “Super Bad” wasn’t as good as people said it was. In fact, it was kind of stupid. But damn, that guy Seth reminds me of someone I know.
- Ugh, I still have to get my damn Christmas village out. Can’t I skip it this year? No, no. The Kid will get upset. It’s all about her. Oh screw that. I don’t want to put it out. Okay, I will.
- What kind of dairy free cookies can I bake? But they’ll probably taste like shit. Maybe I’ll do it next year. Ok, I’ll do it next year. Oh, but then I’ll feel bad.
- I probably should go to church. Think there are any names left on the Giving Tree that aren’t for hotel sized shampoo bottles for the homeless shelter?
- I should check Facebook. I’m pretty sure I got a couple hundred new followers while I lie here not sleeping. I’m sure of it.
- I wonder if Kohl’s is having a sale on comforters. I should get one. It’s good to have extra comforters.
- Speaking of comforters, I need to change the sheets.
- I used to love roller skating. I should go roller skating. Where can I go roller skating? Oh, I’ll probably make an ass of myself or get hurt. Never mind.
- My nose is whistling. Why don’t I have tissues on my night stand? But then I might wake up DH. I should just get up.
- I wonder if I still snore. Hmm, I probably should go see someone about that. But then what if I have to have surgery or something. It might hurt. I can live with my snoring.
- My nose is still whistling. I have to pee. I should really just get up.
- I’m not going to church. I’m too tired.
- Eww, my stomach is really flabby.
And then I got up. I peed and blew my nose. I went downstairs on the couch and looked at Facebook. I didn’t get hundreds of new followers, but I did get 4. I announced to the world that I can’t sleep and had a short conversation with a couple of other insomniacs.
I was amazed at how anxious I felt. I felt the urge to go check on The Kid. Something I hadn’t done in at least 3 months. I had to fight the feeling. Okay, so I did look in her room. But I couldn’t see anything because it was dark.
Then I finally fell asleep. At around 6am (I think). When I woke at around 10, it felt like someone hit me with a Mack truck. The feeling was very reminiscent of when I worked in My Retail Job. Which translates to “I never want to do that again.”
The next time I can’t sleep? NyQuil should do the trick. I’m just hoping I don’t need to start buying stock in it. That would royally suck.