“Welcome to McDonalds. Can I take your order?” Said the guy behind the speaker.
“Yes, I’ll take a #2 meal with a sprite. A 5-piece chicken strip meal with a water and a crispy chicken honey mustard wrap with a coke. That’s it. Thank you.” Said me.
“Would you like fries with the crispy chicken wrap?”
“So, you would like a #3 meal…”
“Um, no. Not a #3. A #2.”
“Oh. So you want a chicken wrap meal…”
“No, not a meal. Just the wrap and a coke, no fries.”
“Oh, sorry. So you want a 5-piece chicken strip meal with a water and a crispy chicken meal with a coke. Will that be all?”
“No, I also would like the #2 meal. With a sprite.”
(Am I being Punk’d? I looked around for Ashton Kutcher.)
“Oh ok. Your order comes to $15.74. Please drive up to window #1.”
Seriously, considering the ordering process didn’t go so well, we were only missing a coke. Like my New Year’s eve experience with bad ice, I should have known and just drove out of the parking lot. Why do I do this to myself? The signs were once again as strong as Popeye on 50 pounds of spinach.
I’m supposed to be on a diet anyway, right? It looks like that just got bumped back to March. Darn.
I’m not sure if you’re aware of it or not, but we, as a country are completely screwed. When you say to your child, “I need to speak to you,” and she says, “just text me,” you know we have a problem.
I grew up with the rotary phone. You know the kind. It had a curly cord attached to it and a circular “key pad.” We had one phone on the kitchen wall. For privacy, it was literally a stretch across the hall and into the bathroom.
Sure, in retrospect, it was a pain in the ass. But at least we SPOKE to one another. We opened our mouths and actual words came out. We put the effort into dialing a phone that took 2.5 minutes so that we could talk to our best friend or boyfriend. We also learned about time management because otherwise we would never get the opportunity to make that phone call before mom or dad needed to use it.
If the kid needs to ask someone a question that needs immediate attention, she texts instead of calls. When I suggest she actually pick up the phone and call them, you should see the look on her face. It’s as if I just suggested we go skinny dipping in the Atlantic in February. Like it was the stupidest idea since the Snuggie.
Every job description I come across during my job search says that good verbal communication skills are necessary. I’m afraid this is what a job description of the future will look like:
“Must be proficient in texting at least 95 words per minute without error. No need to speak to anyone. No need to pay attention to anyone. Ability to use Facebook, Instagram and Twitter an added bonus.” To top it off, they will probably be required to have a Master’s Degree. So, we all get to pay out our asses in education for our children so they can get a job that doesn’t require them to speak.
This should be interesting. I’m not sure I want to be around for that. If I am, please call and let me know. Although the phone may be obsolete by then. Um, text me?
Damn! My chicken and ground beef never made it into my cart. The nice boy at the store who bagged my groceries didn’t put it in. I didn’t notice until I got home. Ugh. Now I have to go back. Unfortunately, the store I shopped at is down the street from the kid’s dance studio which is over 20 minutes away from my home. I guess it doesn’t have to be a major problem. The next time she has dance, I figured I would stop by and pick it up, which was Tuesday — the night before I wanted to make the meal with the beef. Perfect.
On the way to dance Tuesday night, I drove right by that ever-lovin’ store, not once but twice. It never occurred to me to stop in to collect my meats. What a shocker.
Wednesday morning, as I was getting prepared to get my crockpot meal together, I opened the freezer to extract my pound of ground beef. I couldn’t understand why it wasn’t laying right on top. It should be since I only went grocery shopping 3 days ago. So, I proceed to search deeper. It took me about 30 seconds before I remembered where it was. Crap! Poop! SHIT!!!! I really didn’t have time for this. It was going to be a crazy afternoon.
I stood up from the freezer with a dazed look on my face. I felt like I was hit with a stun gun. Wait. What happened? I thought I was going to be passing that store on Tuesday. Then I remembered that I DID pass that store on Tuesday because Tuesday was yesterday. Awesome. I’m an ass.
I know I already have one foot in the looney bin. But can’t I blame this whole thing on the store bagger guy? Yes, I think I will. I don’t think I’ll add this to the list of reasons why I should be committed. Oh and I hope my family doesn’t mind Chinese again.
Paper towels, paper towels, paper towels. I say it over and over again in my head so I don’t forget why I’m going into the pantry. By the time I reach the pantry, I’ve stopped saying it because I suddenly remember that I really enjoyed last week’s Grey’s Anatomy episode. Boy, that Cristina and Owen are so sexy together. I’m really digging their “non-married” relationship. It’s HOT. Mmmm.
Wait. What was I doing??? Oh yeah, I was getting….oh damn. Now I have to backtrack, go to the exact spot I was standing in, and pray that it comes back to me. Let’s see….I was washing the dishes that my dishwashing allergic family left in the sink. I was going to dry them. Oh, right….
Paper towels, paper towels, paper towels. Gee, I’m really looking forward to getting my hair cut tomorrow. I can’t do a damn thing with it. What time is my appointment again?
The kid wanted a Facebook account. Now, DH and I are pretty strict. We did not give in to her easily. We had to think about it, mull it over, digest it, dissect it. Finally we relented. I had my own page so I could keep an eye on things.
She was happier than a dog eating poop. Everything’s great. Happy kid, happy mom. Until about 6 months later.
The Kid: Mom, what are you doing?
Me: I’m checking my notifications.
The Kid: Oh, mom get with the program. Facebook is so yesterday.
The Kid: Can I get an Instagram?
First of all, it took me a year to figure out the term “notifications” and she is ready to move on? Second of all, what the hell is an Instagram and why do you need it? Apparently, it’s a place where you post pictures. In my opinion, no one wants to see how you dress your cat.
Now she’s working on us for a Twitter account. Isn’t that so “yesterday?” Chirp chirp. Or is it Tweet?