WARNING: THIS POST IS FILLED WITH TOTAL INAPPROPRIATENESS. IF YOU HAVE A WEAK HEART, DO NOT LIKE PENIS TALK OR HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR, THEN DO NOT PROCEED. I APOLOGIZE AHEAD OF TIME TO MY MOTHER, FATHER, MOTHER-IN-LAW, HUSBAND AND ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 21. THERE ARE JUST SOME THINGS THAT HAPPEN DURING A GIRL’S WEEKEND THAT CANNOT BE HELPED. MOSTLY BECAUSE THERE IS A BOTTLE OF WINE, SOME VODKA AND A WEE BIT TEQUILA INVOLVED. THEREFORE, EVERYTHING SAID IS PRETTY MUCH INVOLUNTARY AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN TOO SERIOUSLY.
There is nothing like a girls’ getaway. Spending a day or two with women you love, trust and rely on is so incredibly rewarding. A few handpicked friends and…my family, and I’m a happy girl. These ladies are my rocks. My loyal band of chicks.
So a few weeks ago, 3 of my cousins and I decided to take an overnight trip to Saratoga Springs, New York. A couple of hours away. Just far enough out of reach of everyday life like work and chores and children. It’s good to regroup from time to time. It’s great for the soul. It’s not something I do often, but it’s something that I highly recommend because it’s pure awesomeness. Nothing like letting the hair down for a day or two.
So, here are a few things that could be overheard from where ever we were at any given moment. “What happens in Saratoga, stays in Saratoga” only partially applies here. Because I have a big mouth.
- “I have to piss like a race horse. I’ve always wanted to say that in race horse country.”
- “Are we in Sarasota?” “No girl, because then we would be in Florida.” It seems that someone wasn’t paying attention in geography class. I’m not saying who.
- “D@ck cheese? I love me some d@ck and cheese. It’s a win/win.” (On talking about uncircumcised penises. I’m not sure how this came up. Oops. Pardon the pun.)
- “OMG, I just made the sign for a BJ while looking at that man.” Get your head out of the gutter. This is totally what I was talking about:
- “We were in a nude bar on vacation once and I was laughing with my friend and this guy came over and asked us if we were laughing at how small his penis was.”
- “Speaking of small penises, I dated a guy once who’s was so small his buddies actually called him Tatoo.”
- “I snore really bad, so I have to wear this apparatus so I don’t wake you all.” “Does it work?” “No.”
- “Hey, my name is Jenise and don’t forget my bolognese, bitch.” Private joke for a very lucky few.
- “I want to mount a horse. Please make sure I mount a horse before we leave.” It was a total fail. Mounting a horse isn’t as easy as it looks. Those jockeys are amazing…and they are way shorter. I don’t understand.
- “Umm, girl, you got some guacamole on your boob.” Don’t ask, I’m not really sure.
- “OMG, the woman at the table next to us is crying and her douchebag husband is texting someone. And she keeps asking him to put down his phone. He’s probably texting his lover. What a smug SOB he is. Should we invite her to come share a bottle of wine with us?” We didn’t, but wish we did. Although, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have wanted to talk about d@cks though. Especially since she is married to one.
- “Can I wear what I wore yesterday? Oh screw it, I’m totally wearing what I wore yesterday. It’s all comfy and stretched out.” I have to admit this was me who said this. What did you expect from a girl who wears her parka instead of a bra and sometimes goes days without showering. Hey, I got dressed. That’s something right there.
Most of this was just silly stuff. But it was a great day and a half with an overabundance of laughter. Like the uncircumcised penis, it was a win/win. Can’t wait to do it again next year. But then I will be sure to mount that horse.Mo