Inflict torture on our bodies. That’s what we women do. All in the name of Beauty. Yesterday, as I was sitting in The Threader’s chair, with tears running down my face, little hairs itching my nose and a strong urge to punch the threading broad in the face and take her stupid floss and shove it where the sun don’t shine, I started wondering why we do these things to ourselves. After I was finished tormenting myself, I walked around looking like I tried to set fire to my face:
(There I go looking like Droopy again. It’s uncanny, isn’t it?)
Then I got to thinking of all the other things we do for beauty.
Bikini Wax. I did that. Once. About 16 years ago. On the floor of the living room of my best friend’s apartment. With 2 towels. One in my mouth to prevent someone from calling the cops. And one underneath me so when I bled to death, at least her carpet would be saved. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to a professional. It was likely equivalent to asking a butcher to cut my hair (sorry P, I know you tried). And you women who go full-out and do that brazilian wax number? If I wore a hat, I’d tip it to you. You are some brave chicks. There isn’t enough Holy Water in Jerusalem to get me to do that EVER.
Hair Coloring. All those chemicals that get rubbed into our scalps. I won’t highlight my hair but once or twice a year because I’m afraid of developing a brain tumor. My stylist thinks I’m nuts. But I remember when Jackie O died. Everyone kept saying it was because she colored her hair too many times. That totally freaked me out. I’d rather walk around looking like Lillian Munster.
Fake Nails. We ingest more chemicals during that process. That shit seems so toxic to me. Yes, I used to go get fake nails put on back before I was married. But now I’m scared to death of all that. I’m good with my nubs. Besides, I can’t really hurt anyone, particularly The Threader, with what I have rockin’ at the end of my phalanges.
Botox, boob jobs, nips, tucks. It’s endless. All for what? So we can look good, of course. People don’t want to look at our hairy faces, sagging foreheads or breasts that wobble to and fro’. What’s wrong with embracing our natural beauty? Apparently, this chick doesn’t agree. She looks much better now, don’t you think?Mo