I do not write Christmas letters. I do receive a very small handful of them from friends once a year. I enjoy them. It’s fun to catch up on their lives. Even if they do live in the same town. Why haven’t I written a Christmas letter? Mainly because I can’t be bothered. It takes every last bit of energy just to send out the cheesy little cards I do send out. The funny thing is, Costco does them. So I’m not really sure what I’m complaining about. Still. I’m surprised I get those suckers out the door in a timely manner.
Then, I thought the other day that this year I may actually go for it. Write a Christmas letter. That thought lasted precisely 32 seconds. It involves way too much work and sucks up way too much printer ink. Yes, people. I am indeed both lazy AND cheap. Instead, I will share with you what I would really like to write if I were to send one out. Enjoy.
Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Season’s Greetings, Happy Hanukkah, Feliz Navidad and Happy Festivus,
Aaah, another year over. Where the hell did the time go? Seriously. It freaks me out just a little bit that I have been sending out Christmas cards for 15 years now. 15 years! Why only 15 years? Surely, all of you would have loved to have received an annual card containing our mugs (minus The Kid) throughout the years. I’m pretty certain that you had been waiting with bated breath year after year. I apologize. Even though I know they end up in the city dump before Little Christmas gets here.
So, let’s see…what did 2013 bring? Loads of changes. Loads and loads of them. I gave birth to a few more wrinkles. Some more gray hairs sprouted out of both my head and eyebrows. My ass is a little droopier than last year. And so are my eyelids. I discovered that I can no longer walk in heels. I started working again. In retail. At my age. Because I outdated myself by staying home to raise a person and I can’t find a job in the field I was trained to be in. I lost some weight. I started running. But can no longer do that because I screwed up my knee and had to go in for surgery. I’m not completely certain, but I think I’m starting to feel a very similar pain in the OTHER knee. I still hate manual labor and pray every day for a magical elf to appear and do it all. I’m still waiting. For that magical elf. I’m pretty sure one of these Elf’s On the Shelf is mine. He just hasn’t found his way home. Because he’s too busy playing with some little brat’s Barbie. Selfish elf. Barbie is such a fake bitch. Why can’t he see that?
DH is doing great. He has pretty much been with the same company since I met him just over 27 years ago and he just loves it. He does. He also loves his motorcycle. So much so that it has its own room. It’s okay though. Because it is red and totally goes with the Christmas theme. Bless that Ducati’s heart. He still looks every bit as good as the day I met him (DH, not the bike). Well, minus the hair. But his stomach is flat and his bum is still where it started. When we are out, people are shocked by how old he is. “You are HOW OLD? OMG! You totally look soooo much younger.” Gag.
The Kid celebrated her 15th birthday this year. 15! Holy hell. 15 year olds sure can suck the life out of you. She’s usually pretty nice. But sometimes when she shoots me that look when I ask her a “stupid” question, it’s all I can do to not get in there and wipe that smug look right off her face. She’s really smart and made the High Honor Roll. Is that how you say it? Because growing up, that wasn’t a part of my vocabulary. We are super duper proud of her. If I didn’t actually see her come out of my very own vagina, I never would believe it. If anyone out there went to high school with me, I swear I did not switch her with some kid at the hospital. She received her Confirmation this year. She got a big party at a restaurant with wait service and a 3 piece band. When I received my Confirmation, I got, um…surely my mom made me spaghetti and meatballs or something. Surely. She still loves to irish dance and suck the ever loving energy and cash out of our accounts. Can you believe she’s going to college in 2.75 years? Damn. There goes more cash out of our accounts. Then I’m pretty sure she’s going to go get married and have kids. So, basically our money will never, ever be ours. I guess we could always move away to Mexico and go into hiding. Eh. I guess I would miss her too much. And whatever rug rats she has that will call me Grandma. Ugh. Mexico, here we come!
As a family, we love to do outdoor activities. Like, um, okay. Outdoor activities makes me sneeze and forces me to expel too much energy so I just lied. But just a little. Because we did go kayaking once over the summer. We also went on our boat that happens to suck the cash out of our accounts too. I think our boat and The Kid are up to something. I haven’t quite figured it out yet, but when I do, I will let you know. Look for that update in next year’s letter. Did I tell you about the awesome trip to Tahiti we took? Always been a dream of mine. Oh wait. Sorry. That was someone else’s vacation I was talking about. Never mind. We did make a day trip to the beach though. Where I haphazardly put on sunscreen and burned the heck out of my cleavage and the upper part of my left arm. The only good thing about that is I still kinda have a little tan in that area. Gee, I hope I didn’t permanently damage my skin. Oh well. It goes lovely with those new wrinkles I told you about.
So, that was our year in a nutshell. Please don’t be jealous. I know you wish your family was hot like ours. And just so you know, after this year, you will be receiving 2 more cards from us. Suck it up. This shit is exhausting. Besides, we are going to need the stamp money for The Kid’s college text books. Namaste. Or whatever.