Peri-Menopause: Nature’s Gift to Global Warming


On my Facebook page last week, I mentioned that I wear baby doll pajamas to bed.  Even in the dead of winter.  That’s because if I don’t, I run the risk of death by drowning.

When I got my first night sweat, I wasn’t sure what was happening to me.  I thought maybe I had a bad nightmare.  I was drenched.  Like someone doused me with salt water.  I actually had a puddle right where my boobs meet.  My head was as wet as if I just came out of the shower.  And the sheet under me?  It was more like a Slip ‘N Slide.

I was relieved to discover that this didn’t happen very often.  Just once in a while.  I could totally handle it.  That was about 3 years ago.  Recently, it has decided to kick itself up a notch.  Including the hot flashes.  You know the ones.  Where you swear someone lit a match to your insides and started a bon fire?  Yeah.  Those.  And in the last 3 weeks my night sweats have produced enough water to create a small sea.

I was told that I was in peri-menopause.  Peri-menopause?  What the hell?  I can’t be going through that already.  I’m only thirt — oh — 46.  And I’m not sure who told me.  Was it my doctor?  A friend?  My mother?  I don’t know.  Because one of the other symptoms of peri-menopause is…ummm.  Hmm.  That’s funny, I don’t remember.

Even if you just started hanging around me, you quickly get the idea that I’m freaked out by the whole aging process.  The changes to my body is completely throwing me for a loop.  I mean, I don’t mind being in my forties.  I feel like I’m all mature and stuff.  Mature.  Something I’ve been trying to achieve since 1987.  But really.  Can’t the Age Fairy just leave my body alone?  What did I ever do to her?

So, Age Fairy.  You are a meany.  Here’s what I say to you:  this old age may cause me rage but sweat and mood swings will never hurt me.  Nanny-nanny boo-boo.


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4 Replies to “Peri-Menopause: Nature’s Gift to Global Warming”

  1. hahaha! Ya know, I’m still a far way from any form of menopause (I hope), but I just have a tendency to naturally run hot all of the time. I sleep with a ceiling fan and window ac on during the winter in PA. I can’t imagine what the hot flashes and night sweats will be like when the time comes.
    P.S. Peppermint essential oil on the back of the neck during hot flashes does wonders! 🙂

    1. Oh Jenn, you are kind of screwed girl. And your husband? He doesn’t stand a chance. Whew. All I can say is be prepared. It’s going to be quite the ride for you. Ice cubes in your mattress perhaps? And thanks for the tip. I didn’t realize it. I’ll have to give it a shot. I’ll let you know how it goes.

  2. I’m so with ya, girl. So with ya. This not-losing-weight-thing-after-not-having-wine-thing…well, let’s just say it’s REALLY bothering me. What did I ever do to the aging fairy, too? I have yet to experience the joys of hot flashes and the Slip N’ Slide, but I’m probably not too far off, though. Yikes! I did see one teeny tiny little “cute” grey hair the other day. Normally I would freak out over such things as this, but I actually embraced it…for two seconds. Oh, well…

    1. Okay, you say you saw one teeny tiny little cute grey hair? Like, for the first time ever? I’m sorry, but we can no longer be friends. Why do you think I started coloring my hair a million years ago? Geez, welcome to the club. I think. Love ya, babe!

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