The Golden Globes as Told By Me

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True that

Contrary to what I said on my Facebook page, I watched the DVR’ed Golden Globes.  Even though it’s old news.  It’s kinda like watching The World Series a day later.  Well, I would imagine.

The Kid saw that I had recorded it and insist I watch it with her.  It was just her way of getting me to spend time with her.  You know.  Because I’m usually too busy texting or having slumber parties.  What a trickster.

I had a hard time concentrating on this awards show.  Because they always go on forever and ever.  And I kept getting texts from my posse.  Here is what I believe happened.  Or told from my point of view.  Which is coming from thoughts inside my head.  Enjoy.

  • OMG!  Did I just see Rita Wilson texting?  I could totes be her BFF.
  • I never realized how itty bitty Sandra’s boobs are.  Huh.
  • I’m not too old for Channing Tatum.  I swear I’m not.
  • Does Paula Patton know she has wadded up toilet paper all over her dress?  Who is Paula Patton?
  • Come on people.  Hurry it up.  We only have 3 hours here.  Geez.  I’m guessing they should get Segways for all the people sitting in back for next year.  I mean, really.  Do you know how much time they could save?  I’m not kidding.
  • Are those sparkly butterfly clips in Alex Ebert’s hair?   Who is Alex Ebert?
  • Emma Thompson is my kind of girl.  Except my drink of choice would be a Cosmo.  I don’t care if it’s so 1999.
  • Hayden Panettiere, I hate to tell you chicky, but it looks like a cow licked your hair.  I wish someone would have clued you in.
  • “Her” is about a guy who falls in love with his iPhone?  Wait.  Am I supposed to pay 10 bucks to see that?  Disturbing.  I wonder when it’s playing on Friday.
  • Gawd, I really hate the part where they talk.
  • I would love to sit at Meryl Streep’s table.  No wait.  Johnny Depp.  No.  Emma Thompson.  No.  Tom Hanks.  No.  Bradley Cooper.  No.  Robert Redford.  Oh balls.  Never mind.  I’ll just stay home.
  • Can you imagine how much money went just for champagne alone?  If I were there, I’d just want to talk the whole time and get drunk.  Boy, would I be a spectacle.  I guess that’s why I didn’t get an invite.  The Foreign Press people probably know that about me.  Who are the Foreign Press?
  • I wasn’t expecting Spike Jonz.  I was expecting Spike Lee.  It’s like going to take a drink of your soda only to find out it’s beer.  And who is Spike Jonz.  Although, I feel like I should know who he is.  I feel kind of stupid right now.
  • OMG, all the older actors are going to die and then there won’t be anyone I like.  Or even worse.  Anyone I know.

So, that’s a wrap.  See you all for the Oscars.  Where we get to see the same people.  Getting more awards.  Wearing multi-thousand dollar borrowed jewelry and dresses.  I’ll bring the champagne.  I’ll try not to fall asleep.