An Appliance Tale

Thank you for coming to story time. Buckle up and enjoy. Just make sure your seatbelt isn’t from Maytag.

We had a complete kitchen renovation done less than ten years ago. What comes with a complete kitchen renovation? Brand new, sparkling, stainless steel appliances. Everymom’s wet dream.

Might I add they were not cheap.

In the last nine years, we have had to replace the dishwasher twice.

The microwave required a repair precisely one month after the 5-year warranty ran out. A coincidence that I believe was put into place by the powers that be at KitchenAid.

It still gives us trouble from time to time. If we know an electrical storm is coming we have to go into the basement and shut down the circuit breaker to avoid the error of death.

The oven takes no less than thirty minutes to reach the desired temperature, sometimes never even reaching its destination.

The stovetop has one burner that consistently tells us it’s hot even though it has indeed cooled down. Thank god because my hand would otherwise look like my aunt’s Buster Brown pot roast by now.

“HE” stand for Hot Element, not what pronoun it prefers.

The fridge is still going. Although I will admit that once in a while it lets out a groan that is very similar to the sound I make while trying to get up off the floor from a sitting position.

Within the last two years we had to replace our front-loading washer and dryer as well. I’m not really sure why we continue to buy front-loading machines. They are about as overrated as adulting.

Anyway, two days ago the dryer crapped the bed. Why? Who knows. Maybe it was suffering from FOMO. Just so you know, a handy husband and YouTube make a great combination.

Our currently displaced, nonworking, less than two year old dryer.

In the meantime, we cannot kill mom’s 1968 Harvest Gold appliances if we tried. When we bought this house, that oven is exactly what was in the wall. It was still breathing when we yanked it out to replace it with its three times removed distant cousin.

I’m not sure what happened to the gene pool, but there has been a contamination. Makes me want to alert the CDC.

At the rate we are going, I’m ready to break out the washboard and galvanized bucket. I may as well go bang some rocks together and light a fire in the backyard while I’m at it.

Our ancestors may have worked hard and died at a young age because of it, but darn. At least they never ran the risk of a faulty wire.