Disclaimer: This post is not about The Kid’s boyfriend. They have been dating for some time now and he is an amazing young man. I completely approve of him and their relationship. He is a good rule follower.
Ahh, the teen years. With this stage comes mood swings, driving, mascara, and boys. Just to name a few.
Boys. That one scares the shit out of me as much as driving. Although, having your head ripped off for saying “good morning” isn’t much fun either. File that under “mood swings” and shake it off.
But we can’t shake off everything. Like boys. It’s inevitable, so there’s no point in fighting it. We can have some control though, don’t you think?
Sure we can. The boys just need to follow a few simple rules.
- Keep your hands above the fabric. Keep your hands above the belt. Keep your hands above the neck. In other words, keep your hands to yourself or lose them. No one likes a hand-less boyfriend.
- Make sure she’s back by curfew. And when I say curfew, I don’t mean 11:01. I don’t even mean 10:59. Learn that I usually don’t mean what I say. Also, learn what I really mean.
- Do not drive like a maniac while transporting my daughter. Stay well within the limits of the speed (have you ever heard of getting a ticket for going too slow? Do that). Do not, I repeat, do not text and drive. The same thing goes for drinking, talking to Siri and putting your hands on her knee (if you do this last thing, you have violated Rule #1).
- Do not take her anywhere you wouldn’t want your younger sister going. The mini golf place? Acceptable as long as you don’t hide behind the windmills. The back row of the movie theater? Not.
- When you come to pick up my daughter for a date, always, always come to the door. Always. There are no acceptable excuses like you are running late or you have been maimed by the neighborhood dog and are bleeding to death.
- If you hurt her in any way, I will make a voodoo doll with your name on it. I don’t know how to make a voodoo doll but I’ll figure it out. I’m crafty like that.
- Do not make her do anything she doesn’t feel comfortable doing. If she says no, she means no. If you don’t understand what that means, perhaps you need to go back to kindergarten.
- Don’t be a player. Don’t “see” other girls. If you do, see #6.
- Be chivalrous. I believe in equal rights for women but don’t be a jerk. Please open doors for her, don’t walk ahead of her, offer your jacket when she is cold, make her feel safe. Now, when you two have jobs, she should be paid as much as you. Maybe even more.
- Treat my daughter with the utmost respect. When I say respect, I mean see Numbers 1-9. Rinse. Repeat.
That’s not too bad, right? I made it easy. Just follow the rules and you will have my undying love and affection. And if you don’t follow the rules? Well, like I said, I’m crafty.