I went to the grocery store today. The Kid opened the refrigerator this morning and proclaimed that there wasn’t a thing in it. So, I guess I needed to. Even though it seems I just went. I don’t know why, but grocery shopping day comes real quick-like. Don’t you think?
Anyway, it was 17 degrees outside according to the temperature gauge in my car. Tried as I may, I could not find a blessed spot closer than a football field away from the front door of the store. So I parked. And sat there. And sat there. I heard car doors slamming shut all around me. Other people were not just sitting there. They were getting that crap done. Because they are smart and did not want to prolong the inevitable.
I mean, I had stuff to do while sitting in my car. Like text a friend. Check Facebook. Update my status. And when I was done with that, I googled “will pigs ever fly and if so, when?” When I finally got the courage — yes, you need courage to drag your ass out of a warm car with butt warmers into freezing cold temperatures — to start my excursion, I noticed there were several empty spots. Even one that was right next to the handicapped spot. Figures.
I realized pretty quickly that I should have tried to convince myself to stay in my car a little longer. Or at least until Spring.
- “Don’t look. Don’t look. Don’t look.” That’s what I said to myself as the nice cart attendant was gracious enough to grab me a cart. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw hanging from his nose, one of those mucusy, thick snot strings. You know the kind that are so thick, they don’t even move with all the head shaking in the world? That kind. But I looked. It’s kinda like a bad car wreck. You really don’t want to look but you are compelled. All I can say is, I’m surprised I purchased as many groceries as I did.
- One of the things that irks me the most is when people find it necessary to have a reunion smack in the middle of the cereal aisle. Standing 6 people deep, carts included, makes it kinda hard to pass, in case you were wondering. My dad used to say, “you make a better door than window” whenever we would stand in front of him while he was watching television. Well, what I wanted to say was, “you make a better door, vault and Fort Knox than a nice, CLEAR OPENING IN THE CEREAL AISLE SO MOVE!!!” But I didn’t. I stood there. Huffing and puffing. Because I’m passive-aggressive like that.
- I just wish people wouldn’t walk backwards in the grocery store. Because if they do, they stand the chance of getting run over by my cart. Well lady, you shoulda used your rearview mirror. Or better yet, you should not walk backwards in the grocery store. She seemed a little miffed. I don’t know why.
- I find it funny that you suddenly feel really bad about some of the choices you made while you are putting the items on the conveyor belt and someone is standing behind you in line watching your every move. Even with the mucus snot image branded into my brain, I got a few extra fun snacks. To help pass the time while we are all home staying warm. Thank God I grabbed some broccoli. You know. To dip into the Ranch dressing.
- “Don’t look. Don’t look. Don’t look.” This time it was the man in line behind me who only had 4 items (I have good peripheral vision). “Oh God. I should probably offer to let this guy go in front of me. That would be the nice thing to do. Oh screw that. I want to get home just as much as he does. Why is MY time any less important. If I pretend I don’t see him, then he won’t think I’m selfish. Because if I didn’t see him, then how can I have the opportunity to ask if he wants to cut me? Besides there are like 3 Express lines here. That’s his problem if he doesn’t want to use them.” “Excuse me, sir. Would you like to get in front of me?” Yeah, I looked.
- They really outta invent brakes for shopping carts. Either that or stop building grocery stores with sloping parking lots. I’m tired of running after my cart. Well, that actually didn’t happen today. But it could have. If it did happen, I most likely would have let it go. Because I seriously haven’t the energy. This season should not be called Winter. It should be called the “I can’t get out of bed because I’m tired all of the time energy sucking” season. Don’t you think? Anyway, what I am tired of is thinking of ways to get my cart from running backwards down the hill. Do you know how hard it is to keep your foot behind the wheel while unloading that thing? I can barely chew gum and walk at the same time. It’s a damn circus act.
Ok, so this was going to be a quick post. Because I have a ton of laundry to do and I haven’t even finished putting away those darn groceries. But it wasn’t so quick. Sorry about that. Anyway, this is a great excuse to not do those things, right? For both you AND me. You’re welcome. Stay tuned for “Why I Hate Laundry and Putting Away Groceries.”