Amazon Is Amazing

How did we live without Amazon? This is a serious question.

How DID WE LIVE WITHOUT AMAZON?

Well, ok, so we actually DID live without Amazon. Just like we lived without cell phones, caller ID, WiFi, and Xbox.

We had no choice. And if we couldn’t find what we were looking for, we went without. Or we stayed home and didn’t go to the store because it was too much work or it was snowing, and we didn’t really need whatever we were looking for that badly anyway.

But with Amazon, whether we need something badly or not, we can get it with the touch of a button. And if you are a Prime member (which is totally cheap if you have a college student — another reason why college is so important), you can have all kinds of nifty things delivered to your door step for not only FREE, but in most cases THE NEXT DAY!

Just so you know, Amazon is not paying me to say this. They don’t even know I exist, except that I spend a really large portion of the money we make on stuff I can get on Amazon that I really don’t need.

Christmas this year came in an Amazon box. Actually, it came in several Amazon boxes. Gobs of Amazon boxes. If I weren’t in such a cleaning frenzying state of mind last Saturday, then I would show you a picture.

But alas, they are well on their way to the city dump, or incinerator.

This is not my exact pile, but a very good representation. Look how cute they are, though? Such happy little boxes.

Actually, I hope they are on their way to the recycling place because that’s where I want them to be, but who knows if we can trust THAT system.

CAN we trust that system? I guess that’s a discussion for another time.

Anyway, you’ll just have to take my word for it. I could have stacked the Amazon boxes beyond the roof of my house. Oh heck, I could have stacked them halfway to Venus!

I mean, come on, I have eight great nieces and nephews to buy for. I also have six direct (first generation?) nieces and nephews I still buy for who haven’t reached the age of “no longer buying gifts for unless it’s a really great occasion, like a marriage, or baby, or graduation” yet.

I also have parents, and a mother-in-law, and a husband, and a daughter. Not to mention the many children of my cousins (2nd cousin? Or would that be 2nd cousin once removed?) that I buy for because I want to.

Yes, it’s out of control. I realize this. But it’s not up for discussion. I’m not complaining. I’m just stating a fact.

I probably shouldn’t say this out loud because DH might see. But I just looked on our Amazon account and checked out 2018.

Collectively (when I say “collectively” I include DH and The Kid, which means that I am not the only culprit), we placed 69 orders.

In one year.

Before you judge me, please keep in mind that The Kid orders many of her college textbooks through Amazon. They are used, and although they are expensive, they are less expensive than buying them new.

She also rents them through Amazon. Not that that matters. I just wanted to put that out there for those of you who have college students and didn’t realize this little tidbit.

Some of the things, aside from textbooks, that were ordered from this household via Amazon this past year. In case you were wondering:

  • A Zoodle maker that I never used
  • Mouthwash
  • A comforter set
  • Coffee
  • Vitamins
  • Car crap, lots and lots of car crap
  • An under the desk portable heater because I get very cold at work but yet sweat at night like a monkey in heat
  • A Gregg shorthand book because I plan to reteach myself this skill just ’cause I can
  • Gift cards…lots and lots of gift cards, but much more fun than car crap
  • Toys
  • Books that are fun; aka NOT textbooks
  • Games
  • Socks
  • Underwear
  • Whiteboard magnets
  • Miso & chili flakes (I don’t know)
  • Mason jars
  • Baby Foot (the foot treatment not the real thing)
  • Flasks disguised as suntan lotion bottles (???)
  • Markers
  • Planner

And last week I was proudly the first person in my family to order an Amazon goodie in 2019. (The Kid DID rent some books for second semester, but does that really count?)

I decided my heels need to be smoothed out, and since I abhor pedicures (I never said I was normal), I had the inclination to, at 10pm, search Amazon for a resolution. And within about a minute and a half, I ordered myself an Amope Pedi Perfect foot file thing that I was the new owner of in less than 48 hours (it’s amazing by the way – the Pedi thing in addition to Amazon).

I may have a problem.

Do you think Amazon sells books on how to cure an addiction to Amazon? Let me go look. I’ll get back to you.

Matchup!

Day 14 of 16 – Writer’s Digest Writer’s Prompt Bootcamp

Write a story featuring a ouija board, a search engine, and a self-help book.

I received the strangest gift for my 21st birthday — a Ouija board. Now I don’t claim to know much about the Ouija board but I will say that I saw “The Exorcist.”  I know that if that little girl Regan didn’t mess around with that “game” in her basement, those weird, terrifying things never would have happened to her.  But that was just a movie.

I also did play with it once. I remember when I was 10 and a bunch of my friends and I were totally into seances and levitation. We were obsessed to the point where we would plan a sleepover every weekend so we could get our crazy on.

Once one of these friends brought a Ouija board. We were all intrigued. We sat in a circle with our fingers lightly pressed against the planchette.  We would ask it silly questions like “does Billy love Angela?”  It would start to move and we would all peek to see who was making it point to “YES.”  It was fun, and I didn’t feel frightened in any way.

Anyway, the girl who owned the Ouija board had a story about it. She said that there is no way of getting rid of it once you own one.  She claims she was scared of it and before she and her family moved from their old house, she left it behind in the closet for the new homeowners. You know, kind of like a housewarming gift. The funny thing is, when my friend settled into their new home and she was hanging her clothes in her closet, the Ouija board was sitting there on the shelf.  In other words, it followed her.  It was a creepy story, but I’m not really sure I believed her.

So, I didn’t know what to say to this friend of mine.  I thanked her, of course.  But it wasn’t exactly the most welcome gift I’ve ever received.  Here I am with this game that I don’t want and I don’t know what to do with. I mean, I guess I could have fun with it.  Call some friends over and recreate the old times. Have a levitation and a seance or two.  But that seemed strange.

When I got home that day, I Googled “Ouija Board.”  The first few hits were basically just definitions.  Then there were some Youtube videos of kids and people playing with The Ouija.  And some “true” stories of things that happened to people when they played with it.  One of the things they always said was to not verbally allow a spirit into the room and to always say “goodbye” before putting it away.  Like my 10 year old self, I started to become intrigued.  I didn’t really believe that you could communicate with the spirits on the other side with a cardboard game, but my curiosity was piqued.

I pulled out the game, dimmed the lights and put my fingers on the planchette.  I wasn’t sure what to do, so I asked it if anyone was there.  Nothing happened, so I kept repeating my question.  After about 15 minutes, the planchette moved to “YES.”  I pulled my hands away from it in shock.  Then put them back and asked what his name was.  After a few moments, the game piece spelled out “L-U-C” and then stopped.  I asked if it was a boy or girl.  It went to the “G.”  Hmm, maybe it is a Lucy.  “Are you Lucy?” I asked it.  “No.”  I asked what she was doing here.  “K-I-L-L.”  Totally and completely freaked to my core, I said goodbye and put the game away, deep into the dark recesses of the garage.

I have a bit of a problem.  I’ve had it since I was a kid.  It used to drive my mother absolutely bonkers.  I’m very impressionable.  In other words, if someone complains of a headache, I will immediately get one.  If someone at school has a cold, I will wake up the following day with a sore throat.  In high school, there was this girl who turned up pregnant.  I swear within a month, I started experiencing pregnancy symptoms and I never even had sex!

So, here I am, sitting on my bed in my room.  It dawns on me that I could have been speaking to the devil.  And I suddenly remember learning or reading somewhere that the devil is actually a girl.  I start to freak out and think that the devil is possessing me.  I start to think about Regan and how her bed shook and her room got cold.  I was absolutely paralyzed with fear.  Yes, I realize I am a 21year old woman and I should know better, but honestly, I did feel cold and shaky.

This is when I remembered my book.  My mom bought me a self-help book a few years ago about mind control.  I try to tell myself that it’s all in my head.  After reading my favorite chapter, I felt calm again and realized I was being completely irrational.

Now about that Ouija board…it turns out you can dispose of it.  I got my dad’s shovel and the game, walked back into the woods and buried that sucker at least a foot under dirt and rock.  But I guarantee you, If it shows up on my closet shelf, I will probably die of a heart attack.  No, really.  I guarantee it.