I was the self-proclaimed Queen of the Couch Potatoes. Ruler of Sofa Land. Queen Bee of the Love Seat. The proof is in the couch that beholds my royal ass print like hieroglyphics on a cave wall. The grease marks on the remote control from potato chip fingers. And permanent red wine stains etched on the side table. All that was missing was my tiara.
What, pray tell, does the day in the life of a Couch Queen consist of? Here is a sampling:
- 6:15am – Wake up to see kid off to school. Yes, I had been brainwashed into making her lunch everyday even though she was 14. Teens are experts in brainwashing. Wish they were experts in washing other things. Like their clothes or possibly even a toilet.
- 6:50am – Go back to bed until 10am. A Queen needs her beauty sleep after all.
- 10am – Fix breakfast for Queen (there are no servants in Sofa Land) which consisted of anything from cereal to pancakes. Depending on mood. And hunger level.
- 10am-2pm – Plant ass on couch. After all it’s important to watch TV while eating. It’s like going Number 2 without a magazine. One goes with the other. Then lunch would happen by. By now the queen was way too involved in Lifetime movies to walk away.
- 2pm – Oh shit! The Kid will be home soon. There are beds to make, laundry to start, a kitchen to clean up.
- 2pm-5pm – Straighten up, talk to The Kid about her day, start dinner, drive The Kid to an activity.
- Anything after 5 – have helping #1 of dinner, have helping #2, pour glass of wine #1, think about taking a shower, pour glass of wine #2. Go back to couch because it was getting cold. It’s very important to keep the royal subjects warm.
- 11pm – Go to bed.
Okay, I may be exaggerating a little. Sometimes I got the energy to clean the house, go grocery shopping, see a friend. But I do wonder why I gained 25 pounds in ummm, I like to say 3 years, but I can’t really pinpoint when it happened. Potatoes are high in starch, so it may have had something to do with that and the couch situation.
Anyway, no need to worry because there was a beheading recently. The Queen is dead. Sofa Land is a thing of the past. (If you are new to my blog, click here to see what I mean.) Now, I have to undo years of this behavior and poor role modeling. The Kid is fairly active. When she is active. Other times, when I come home from work or a workout, sometimes this is what I find:
I have 3 years to turn that crap around. Wish me luck.