I had an MRI the other day. I’ve never had an MRI before, so I didn’t know what to expect. But really? Why does it take 30 freaking minutes to scan ONE knee? My experience in 6 bullet points. In case you were wondering.
- There is one thing they need to add to the “How to Prep for an MRI” list: “Don’t bother waking up early to spend extra time in the shower shaving your legs because we will be providing lovely pajama bottoms for your convenience.” And I totally would have loved my 3XXL pj bottoms if I were sitting around pigging out on pork rinds and Krispy Kremes watching back episodes of “The Big Bang Theory” on a Saturday afternoon. Totally.
- Thank you so much for the headphones with the volume set on 1. I assumed they were meant to drown out the sound of the MRI, not Barry Manilow. My bad. “Oh Mand…bangbangbang…you came and you…boomboomboom.”
- The nice technician lady told me that when it makes a “clicking” sound to be very, very still. Because I am a rule follower, I did as I was told. The only problem is I never quite heard a “clicking” sound. What I did hear was a jackhammer and a machine gun. There is nothing worse than lying in the same position for a half an hour scared shitless of what will happen to you if you so much as breathed too deeply. It took 15 minutes to get feeling back in my right foot.
- I find it funny that when you can’t move, itches multiply. It’s an odd phenomenon, isn’t it?
- It’s probably not a good idea to let your mind wander during one of these things. My mind happened to wander into a story I heard a long time ago about an MRI gone bad. All I could think about were the keys hanging by the door that unlocked my locker. It was possible that they could have come flying off the wall and stab me in the brain, right?
- I kept wondering when it was going to be over because I really needed to move my foot. Then 27 minutes into it, I noticed there was a timer above my head. I just love how detail-oriented I am.
Whelp, the results are in. Not only is my left meniscus torn in one place, but in two. Apparently, it’s both a quick fix and a quick recovery. In fact, they do it while you are awake. Great. I can’t stand the thought of having a bloody nose. Imagining that they will be making two holes in my leg while I lie there awake will most likely freak me the freak out. I’m hoping they give me something other than a knee numbing drug. A brain numbing drug would be really nice. Yes, I would like that very much. Taking the chance I may say something inappropriate while under the influence is one I am willing to accept. Oh hell, let’s face it. I say something inappropriate even when not under the influence. Bring it on.
And as far as running is concerned…I am going to run my ass off for the next 7 days. Because after that, I can’t do much for a week. Ok, two weeks. Ok, after I ran into someone I know today at My Retail Job, it turns out I need to not run for 6 weeks. Shit. I’m now thinking I should have crammed a pair of those 3XXL pants into my bag. I may be needing them.