One Moldy Oldie

Soul Asylum. I think that’s their name.

There are many, many things I am too old for.  I’m too old for drama.  But I will not discuss that here because this blog is for fun and inspirational subject matter.  I’m too old for My Retail Job, even though I have to admit I’m having a blast among all the aches, pains and “you’re a mature woman” comments.  I am too old for roller coasters, which pisses me off because I would go on one a thousand times in a row if my brain didn’t scramble into a million pieces after the first 30 seconds of the first ride.  And as much as I love my new sport of running, I may be too old for it because my knees feel like they have been through a war.  Maybe even 2 wars.

Last night I met a friend of mine for dinner about an hour away from where I live.  A very old friend.  She’s not old, our friendship is old.  We were having a great time, having great conversation as always.  Halfway through dinner she asked if I wanted to go with her to meet some of her friends at this theater outside of town to see a band.  Who am I to pass up a good time?  PLUS it was an opportunity to meet new friends.

We trekked on over the border into the next town to see this band.  You may remember them.  Soul Asylum.  I was never a grunge band follower.  I am classic rock and moldy oldies all the way.  After singing half a dozen songs, they sang ONE song I vaguely recognized.  But every person in that room had gray hair.  If they didn’t have gray hair, it was colored I’m sure.  So, I didn’t feel out of place.  A Justin Timberlake concert I would feel out of place at.  This concert?  I just felt old among the old.  And the music was just too effing loud.  I mean, how is a mature woman supposed to have an intellectual conversation with all that noise?

Me and my old friend
Me and my old friend.  And that would be Sprite in my cup.  I swear.
Me and my new friends
Me and 2 of 4 of my new friends.  And my Sprite.

Sure, I had a good time.  Sure, I danced to music I never heard of or even liked.  Sure, I had a drink.  Ok, half a drink.  Ok, a quarter of a drink.  Because after about 20 minutes into being there, I hit a wall.  Not literally.  But the “holy shit, I need my bed NOW” kind of wall.  As much as I was enjoying these women, my new friends among my old one, I felt a very strong urge to put my head on a pillow.  In fact, if there was a pillow somewhere in that place, I would have had my ass in a corner on that floor.  Even amongst all the racket.  And it wasn’t even 10pm yet.

And the band?  They have to be at least my age.  Where, may I ask, do they get their energy?  I guess from their hair.  Because they had plenty of it.  Hair.  Good for those guys.  But I will bet any amount of money that they went home, slathered a crapload of Ben Gay on their joints and fell into a deep coma.  Because that’s what I did.  And I’m not too proud to say so.  I mean, who needs pride when you pee your pants every time you sneeze and, well, never mind.  Anyway, I think I’ll stick to James Taylor.  He gets me.

Middle of the Road


Mentally I act 22.  Physically I feel 35 (ok, maybe sometimes).  But really I am middle aged.  There is no question.  Because no matter how much I try to act like a college student, I am not.  How do I know?  Let me count the ways.

  1. I may be in the best physical shape of my life at this moment, but if I sit in one position for longer than, let’s say, 8 minutes, my legs feel like they’ve been put through a chipper.
  2. When I’m done peeing, I’m not done peeing.  I realize this only when somehow a little extra has escaped when I least expect it.  I’m not sure why I am surprised when this happens.
  3. If I so much as look at a plate of nachos, I gain 2 pounds.
  4. I tragically mistook the guitar riff from Led Zeppelin’s “Communication Breakdown” for cicadas.  But just for a second, until I came to what’s left of my senses.
  5. What’s with these kids listening to their music so loudly?  Don’t they know they’ll go deaf?
  6. I have the memory of a goldfish.  No really.  Wait, what was I talking about?
  7. Reading glasses are now an accessory.  Like a necklace with benefits.  Sometimes you will see me with 2 or 3 of them piled on top of my head.  You know, just in case I misplace a pair and can’t remember where I put it.
  8. There is hair where there shouldn’t be.  Like at the end of my chin.  And extra long 4″ hairs growing from my brow.  And they are gray.  If I had known they were there, I would have plucked them.  But I can’t see.
  9. I recently spent a bit too much time trying to rub an age spot off the back of my hand.
  10. My knees have wrinkles.  Even with all the cardio I do.  When I run and look down, they appear to be frowning at me.  My knees are not very inspirational.
  11. 2 drinks feel like 10.  Even when it’s just Kool-Aid.

Ok, I’m done.  I could go on, but I’m getting depressed.  And I have to go and take my Metamucil.  See you at the Early Bird Special.