So, it’s been a week since my final shift at My Retail Job. Yes. You heard me. I quit. I put in my 2 weeks’ notice and was counting down the days. When my final hour came, I wasn’t expecting to actually be sad. I had to choke back tears as I was walking out the door. I wasn’t sad because I was going to miss the job necessarily. I was sad because I loved every single one of those darn people. Even the one
(s) I butt heads with.
This decision has been in the making for the last few weeks. It started when I asked for a little, itty, bitty raise and was turned down. Well, that wasn’t the only reason. That just started the ball rolling. I realized that retail just wasn’t for me. I was missing out on a lot of weekends with my family. And working until almost midnight some nights. All for minimum wage. It wasn’t worth it. And I’m too old for those late nights. Unless, of course, I’m out with the girls partaking in the fountain of youth (aka margarita on the rocks with salt).
Here are a few stories about my experience. And perhaps what made me realize that this job had served its’ purpose and over-stayed its’ welcome.
- The night before I handed in my resignation, I almost got run over by a mongo floor polisher. The guy running the thing had been a burr in my butt for the past 9 months. Every time I heard that thing rev up, my heart rate would dramatically increase. And I would spend the next half hour of my life dodging that man and this machine. For the most part, I kept my mouth shut about it. Until that last night. All I have to say is that it’s a good thing customers weren’t in the house. The words that were being projectile vomited out of my mouth would have made a truck driver blush. And I’m pretty sure polisher man is afraid of me now. Oh, yeah. He’s not sleeping at night.
- Was it a coincidence that about an hour after I asked for a raise, I was reprimanded for being 5 minutes late on December 17? I think not. Sorry about that. Curse that patch of ice that wouldn’t let me up the hill. Curse it. Or was it because I couldn’t tear myself away from that episode of “The Kardashians?” I guess I’ll never know. (I’m actually not bitter about this. I just find it a bit humorous and oh so coincidental. I just love a good coincidence. Don’t you?)
- I will not miss the bodily function emittance from complete strangers. Farts and burps alike. Case in point: a woman recently came into my aisle and let one rip. I wasn’t sure what to do. So, after I got it together, I turned and asked her if I could help her with anything. She replied with “bathroom please?” Just kidding she didn’t say that. But she did says “oops” which didn’t help me.
- The employee bathroom in the back room was beyond disgusting. Like, dis-gus-ting. Not really suitable for human use. I tried to hold my breath whenever I had to go in there. But I am not David Blain. So, I was always faced with the tough decision of breathing the smells into my brain or tasting them. I’m still not sure what’s worse. A treat for my sinuses? Or a treat for my mouth?
- In addition to announcing that they are closing, the lights dim. A tell-tale sign that it’s time to head out if you are a customer. Unless you are a lady who absolutely needs to get the leftover Christmas wrapping paper because it’s on sale and she’s afraid it will be gone the next day. Don’t worry, we understand. Really. It’s not like the store has been open for the past 15 hours. And we have only been here for 8 out of those 15 hours so please, by all means, take your time. None of us need to go home. Really. Actually, I was just thinking I could snuggle up on the crib mattress in the baby aisle for the night. Who needs a real bed?
- Parents and their children who get confused and think this is a sports arena. Seriously. I cannot begin to tell you about all the Dodge Ball, Hide and Go Seek and Chase games I witnessed. Too many to count. And I don’t want to count them anyway. Because YOU SHOULD NOT BE PLAYING FOOTBALL IN A STORE PEOPLE!
All complaining aside, it was a fun job. I enjoyed it. It got my booty out of the house and gave me something to do. I literally burned thousands of calories. It kept me in shape. I met some really great people. But when I slept at night, I would fall into a coma. With pig snores and all. I had aches and pains that would rival the aches and pains that set in after an Iron Man competition. I think. Because I’ve never actually competed in an Iron Man before. I did do a 5k once and that hurt so I can only imagine.
Retail and I have parted ways forever, I’m afraid. I gained some new life experiences, stories and friends. It was short-lived but very memorable. Thanks Retail Establishment. It was fun. See you on the other side. I promise to leave before the lights do.