Shop Wrong

What I saw at the grocery store on the day before the prediction of a major snow storm:

Parked in the nose bleed section
Parked in the nose bleed section
  1. A parking lot that looks like the parking lot of the Staples Center before a Justin Bieber concert.
  2. Half of America.
  3. A truck spraying “de-icer” out of the back of it that smells like dog shit.  No really.  Dog Shit.  I had to look at the bottom of my shoes before I realized where the smell was coming from.
  4. An old Cadillac with the rearview mirror dangling, the windows wide open, and a large wagon attached to it that said “Red Flyer” on the side.  I didn’t think they made them that big.  He was parked on the curb.  He must be one of those survivalist people.  Dude, you’ll be able to get out of your house by Saturday, I’m sure of it.
  5. A woman proclaiming in the loudest voice she could to her daughter how sick she was.  “Cough, cough.  I really don’t feel good.  Hack, hack.  I don’t feel like being here.  Phlegm and sniff. ” All over the cucumbers.  And cucumbers were on my list.
  6. Something that sounded like a freight train in the isle next to the peanut butter.  I was afraid to look.
  7. Every single register was opened and the lines were snaking around into the isles.  What was weird is that people were actually jolly.  Hmm.  Good for them.  Keep your jolliness to yourself. I don’t want to see it.
  8. A woman buying a 50 pound bag of dog food.  In case she gets stuck in her house for 3 months. At least her dog will live.  Unless her pup is willing to share.

Last but not least, me.  I saw ME at the store.  What the hell am I thinking?  Going to the grocery store the day before the storm from hell is supposed to hit?  I hate grocery shopping on a good day.  I make fun of the people who go to the grocery store the day before a major storm.  Well, I guess if I looked at the news more than once a year, I would have known and gone yesterday.

But It’s going to blow over.  Want to know why?  Because I was at the store buying enough shit to last my family and me a week.  With half of America. That’s why.  You can thank me later.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year…NOT

images-2

And I’m not talking about Christmas either.  The kid has been a member of the Girls Scouts since 2003.  I love the good ole’ Girl Scouts.  I talk them up every chance I get.  My daughter has learned so much from being a GS.  She can light a fire (I mean camp, and she better keep it that way), she can pitch a tent, she is a master crafter, she has learned respect.  And last but not least, she can make new friends AND keep the old.

One thing she is not good at…selling GS Cookies. Nope, somehow that has become MY job.  What happened to the days of those cute little girl scouts going door to door?  Perhaps it was the realization that there are perverts and child molesters lurking about.

Yup, so in order to keep her safe, I took over the job.  Her leader (God bless her, I don’t know how she does it…in other words, better her than me.) would like for each of them to have a goal of 50 boxes sold.  Sure right okay, as soon as I charter that first flight to Mars.

Look, I know people SAY they look forward to GS cookie time, but do they really?  I have been asking, begging, promising favors in return, for my friends, family, coworkers to buy for years.

It’s for a good cause.  Yes, you can freeze them.  No, you don’t have to pay now.  You’re on a diet?  Well you can donate cookies to the food pantry because they are so nutritious.  My personal favorite complaint: “but they are $3.50 everywhere else.”

So, every year, I moan, groan and bitch when I see that blasted cookie order form and start on my quest to fill the orders.

On my honor, I will try….oh, who wants cookies???

They Do WHAT On the Bus?

Back of School Bus

About 2 years ago, I started hearing these horrible stories about what goes on in the back of the school bus.  I was completely flabbergasted not to mention a bit freaked out.  I know I sound like my mother, but what is happening to the youth of today?

So, needless to say, I had to have the “talk” with my child.  I mean, she already got the generic Birds and Bees talk.  You know, the “you must wait until you are married for 5 years, and only if you really, really love your husband can you share that love in a special way that MARRIED men and women do” talk.  I was pissed that I had to go a bit deeper.  Damn you, stupid slutty girls.

Me:  Do you know what Oral Sex is?

The Kid:  Well, yes.

Me: (oh God) What do you think it is?

The Kid:  um…when you talk about sex?

Phew…ok, she’s still Pollyanna.  Now I had to, in a way that would scare the living shit out of her, tell my sweet little 12 year old what this Oral Sex was all about. Luckily, she was completely, out of this world, disgusted by the concept.  I can only hope this disgust lasts for, oh I don’t…EVER?!

As for the kids sitting at the back of the bus?  Some words of advice:  Boys, keep it in your pants.  Girls, keep your mouths closed, it ain’t all that.

For the Love of a Log

wizard-of-oz-scarecrow

Everyone knows how much I love the grocery store.  Well, I didn’t go just once this week, I went TWICE.  Why, you ask?  Because I’m the dumb ass who forgot something, or some things.  Forgetting stuff during Can-Can week is a mortal sin in my book.

I was expecting some friends over Monday night and in addition to some essentials I had, um…forgotten, I wanted to get one of those Dura-Logs so we could have a nice cozy fire.

Anyway, I can’t find the damn log.  I have been up and down every dang isle TWICE looking for it.  I wish Shop Rite would stop moving crap around.  To top it off, I can’t find a single staff member.

I’m ready to sock the idea when I finally see not one, but two store employees talking amongst themselves at the end cap of isle number 14.  I squeeze in as closely as I can to avoid being stampeded and stare at them for a good half minute hoping to catch their attention.  They look at me and continue on.  Great.

So, just to recap real quick…I’m pissed because I’ve walked all over the f’ing store not once, but twice.  I can’t find a single employee who can help me and when I do find an employee, I’m completely ignored.  Oh, and I’m dodging can-loving freaks like bullets.  Do I sound like I’m in a good mood???

Suddenly, I hear this — “look lady, pick a direction and move in it.”  When I look up, I realize he is speaking to me.  He reminded me of Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz with his fingers pointed in both directions, but not so cute.  “You’re holding up traffic.”  Geez, if he only had a brain.

The look I shot Scarecrow could have frozen the Amazon.  I think I actually saw fear in his eyes.  And the log?  I passed the whole blasted stack of ’em coming in the front door.