Tag Archives: retail

I Almost Got Killed By a Floor Polisher and Other Stories

floor polisher

Only WAY bigger

So, it’s been a week since my final shift at My Retail Job.  Yes. You heard me.  I quit.  I put in my 2 weeks’ notice and was counting down the days.  When my final hour came, I wasn’t expecting to actually be sad.  I had to choke back tears as I was walking out the door.  I wasn’t sad because I was going to miss the job necessarily.  I was sad because I loved every single one of those darn people.  Even the one(s) I butt heads with.

This decision has been in the making for the last few weeks.  It started when I asked for a little, itty, bitty raise and was turned down.  Well, that wasn’t the only reason.  That just started the ball rolling.  I realized that retail just wasn’t for me.  I was missing out on a lot of weekends with my family.  And working until almost midnight some nights.  All for minimum wage.  It wasn’t worth it.  And I’m too old for those late nights.  Unless, of course, I’m out with the girls partaking in the fountain of youth (aka margarita on the rocks with salt).  

Here are a few stories about my experience.  And perhaps what made me realize that this job had served its’ purpose and over-stayed its’ welcome.

  1. The night before I handed in my resignation, I almost got run over by a mongo floor polisher.  The guy running the thing had been a burr in my butt for the past 9 months.  Every time I heard that thing rev up, my heart rate would dramatically increase.  And I would spend the next half hour of my life dodging that man and this machine.  For the most part, I kept my mouth shut about it.  Until that last night.  All I have to say is that it’s a good thing customers weren’t in the house.  The words that were being projectile vomited out of my mouth would have made a truck driver blush.  And I’m pretty sure polisher man is afraid of me now.  Oh, yeah.  He’s not sleeping at night.
  2. Was it a coincidence that about an hour after I asked for a raise, I was reprimanded for being 5 minutes late on December 17?  I think not.  Sorry about that.  Curse that patch of ice that wouldn’t let me up the hill.  Curse it.  Or was it because I couldn’t tear myself away from that episode of “The Kardashians?”  I guess I’ll never know.  (I’m actually not bitter about this.  I just find it a bit humorous and oh so coincidental.  I just love a good coincidence.  Don’t you?)
  3. I will not miss the bodily function emittance from complete strangers.  Farts and burps alike.  Case in point:  a woman recently came into my aisle and let one rip.  I wasn’t sure what to do.  So, after I got it together, I turned and asked her if I could help her with anything.  She replied with “bathroom please?”  Just kidding she didn’t say that.  But she did says “oops” which didn’t help me.
  4. The employee bathroom in the back room was beyond disgusting.  Like, dis-gus-ting.  Not really suitable for human use.  I tried to hold my breath whenever I had to go in there.  But I am not David Blain.  So, I was always faced with the tough decision of breathing the smells into my brain or tasting them.  I’m still not sure what’s worse.  A treat for my sinuses?  Or a treat for my mouth?
  5. In addition to announcing that they are closing, the lights dim.  A tell-tale sign that it’s time to head out if you are a customer.  Unless you are a lady who absolutely needs to get the leftover Christmas wrapping paper because it’s on sale and she’s afraid it will be gone the next day. Don’t worry, we understand.  Really.  It’s not like the store has been open for the past 15 hours.  And we have only been here for 8 out of those 15 hours so please, by all means, take your time.  None of us need to go home. Really.  Actually, I was just thinking I could snuggle up on the crib mattress in the baby aisle for the night.  Who needs a real bed?
  6. Parents and their children who get confused and think this is a sports arena.  Seriously.  I cannot begin to tell you about all the Dodge Ball, Hide and Go Seek and Chase games I witnessed.  Too many to count.  And I don’t want to count them anyway.  Because YOU SHOULD NOT BE PLAYING FOOTBALL IN A STORE PEOPLE!  

All complaining aside, it was a fun job.  I enjoyed it.  It got my booty out of the house and gave me something to do.  I literally burned thousands of calories.  It kept me in shape.  I met some really great people.  But when I slept at night, I would fall into a coma.  With pig snores and all.  I had aches and pains that would rival the aches and pains that set in after an Iron Man competition. I think.  Because I’ve never actually competed in an Iron Man before.  I did do a 5k once and that hurt so I can only imagine.

Retail and I have parted ways forever, I’m afraid.  I gained some new life experiences, stories and friends.  It was short-lived but very memorable.  Thanks Retail Establishment.  It was fun.  See you on the other side.  I promise to leave before the lights do.

How I Know

You-are-never-too-old-to-set-another-goal-or-to-dream-a-new-dream

…Unless you want to work in retail

I told you in my post the other day that I took a job in retail.  I applied for, and landed a job in a local store whose hours are ridiculously long.  Why I didn’t apply for something like a wholesale store, is beyond me.  I am 46.  Working until close to midnight should be a thing of the past.  Maybe eventually, I will start to feel young.  Could this turn out to be a Fountain of Youth?  Possibly.

Here are some reasons how I know I may be too old for My Retail Job:

  1. Some of my co-workers and even some of my up-line could possibly be my children.
  2. When I wake up the day after a late shift, I would swear a Mack truck got a bit off track, drove through the wall of my bedroom and ran directly over my body.  I’m sure I didn’t actually hear it coming because I was in an over-worked-induced coma.
  3. I can’t seem to keep up after a co-worker who is about a foot and a half shorter than I am no matter how fast I walk and/or run.
  4. I have difficulty hoisting myself up to reach the top shelf by standing on the bottom shelf.  I’m pretty sure I’m breaking some kind of code during the attempt anyway.  Hope the Retail Police don’t get me.
  5. It took me 2 weeks to memorize my 8 digit employee number.  Because I suffer from short term memory loss.  Because I am old.
  6. I can’t remember which locker I put my pocketbook in half the time.  Last week, I had to work my code on about a dozen of them before I finally found it.  No, not embarrassing at all.
  7. The thought of me having to carry around a walkie-talkie and possibly speak into it makes me want my mommy.  Then, well, I need to grow up.  Maybe my fountain is starting to work?
  8. I couldn’t figure out what that thing is on my nightstand that was making a heinous sound and waking me up.  After I realized it was my alarm clock, I couldn’t figure out how to turn it off.  Even though I’ve had it for 17 years.  Again, over-worked-induced coma.
  9. When I sneezed last week, I peed my pants.  I peed my pants at work.  Not an easy feat to try and cover up.  I know this can and does happen anywhere and anytime, but I had to get a Pee story in here somehow.

Even though I feel like I am past my peak for holding this position at this retail establishment, I am enjoying it.  Really.  And The Fountain of Youth theory?  What’s the matter?  It COULD happen.

Go To School

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Except I can spell. I really can.

I have been looking for a position that utilizes my skills as an administrative assistant for a long time.  The problem is, there doesn’t seem to be anything available.  I was starting to feel a little self-conscious.  Is it my age?  My lack of work experience these past few years as I was home raising my child?  Or the fact that most admin positions I applied for required at least an Associates Degree?

My parents always said my nonchalant attitude about school would bite me in the ass.  I can still hear their voices — “You really should try to do better in school, you’ll be sorry one day.”  “You are wrong and I don’t care” was my generic response.  I was having way too much fun cutting class, getting into trouble and well, having fun.  Who needs an education?  It turns out I needed an education.

I feel like I am limited to what I can do because of my lack of education.  (Unlike Paul simon, my lack of education is hurting me some.  Too bad I can’t sing or take good pictures.)  Hence, I have spent the last 15 years shoving the education thing down the kids throat.  I made a game of it.  Up until her first day of pre-school I made her believe it was The Most Fun Ever.  Going to school to learn was going to be better than playing a game of Cherry-O’s.  Me, the girl who bragged if she got anything higher than a “D” on a test, was telling her 4 year old that school is better than a ride at Disney World.

And she actually believed me.  She takes school pretty seriously.  As for me, I know it’s not too late.  My bestie — mid-forty something — just graduated from Nursing School.  I am in awe of her.  She is my hero.  But I shall live vicariously through her.  Because even though I may preach it, I do not want to practice it.  For me, I have missed the boat.  For me, school is not a ride at Disney World.

So, I found a job.  It is not an admin job.  I’ve kinda given up on that for now.  I’m doing something I haven’t done in close to 30 years.  And it’s called Retail.  Stay tuned and I’ll tell you more about it.  Just so you know, that’s why I haven’t been blogging.  Because I’m exhausted.  So go to school kids.  You will need that education.  I get the feeling you will need it for everything.  And I mean everything.