Middle of the Road


Mentally I act 22.  Physically I feel 35 (ok, maybe sometimes).  But really I am middle aged.  There is no question.  Because no matter how much I try to act like a college student, I am not.  How do I know?  Let me count the ways.

  1. I may be in the best physical shape of my life at this moment, but if I sit in one position for longer than, let’s say, 8 minutes, my legs feel like they’ve been put through a chipper.
  2. When I’m done peeing, I’m not done peeing.  I realize this only when somehow a little extra has escaped when I least expect it.  I’m not sure why I am surprised when this happens.
  3. If I so much as look at a plate of nachos, I gain 2 pounds.
  4. I tragically mistook the guitar riff from Led Zeppelin’s “Communication Breakdown” for cicadas.  But just for a second, until I came to what’s left of my senses.
  5. What’s with these kids listening to their music so loudly?  Don’t they know they’ll go deaf?
  6. I have the memory of a goldfish.  No really.  Wait, what was I talking about?
  7. Reading glasses are now an accessory.  Like a necklace with benefits.  Sometimes you will see me with 2 or 3 of them piled on top of my head.  You know, just in case I misplace a pair and can’t remember where I put it.
  8. There is hair where there shouldn’t be.  Like at the end of my chin.  And extra long 4″ hairs growing from my brow.  And they are gray.  If I had known they were there, I would have plucked them.  But I can’t see.
  9. I recently spent a bit too much time trying to rub an age spot off the back of my hand.
  10. My knees have wrinkles.  Even with all the cardio I do.  When I run and look down, they appear to be frowning at me.  My knees are not very inspirational.
  11. 2 drinks feel like 10.  Even when it’s just Kool-Aid.

Ok, I’m done.  I could go on, but I’m getting depressed.  And I have to go and take my Metamucil.  See you at the Early Bird Special.