Mentally I act 22. Physically I feel 35 (ok, maybe sometimes). But really I am middle aged. There is no question. Because no matter how much I try to act like a college student, I am not. How do I know? Let me count the ways.
- I may be in the best physical shape of my life at this moment, but if I sit in one position for longer than, let’s say, 8 minutes, my legs feel like they’ve been put through a chipper.
- When I’m done peeing, I’m not done peeing. I realize this only when somehow a little extra has escaped when I least expect it. I’m not sure why I am surprised when this happens.
- If I so much as look at a plate of nachos, I gain 2 pounds.
- I tragically mistook the guitar riff from Led Zeppelin’s “Communication Breakdown” for cicadas. But just for a second, until I came to what’s left of my senses.
- What’s with these kids listening to their music so loudly? Don’t they know they’ll go deaf?
- I have the memory of a goldfish. No really. Wait, what was I talking about?
- Reading glasses are now an accessory. Like a necklace with benefits. Sometimes you will see me with 2 or 3 of them piled on top of my head. You know, just in case I misplace a pair and can’t remember where I put it.
- There is hair where there shouldn’t be. Like at the end of my chin. And extra long 4″ hairs growing from my brow. And they are gray. If I had known they were there, I would have plucked them. But I can’t see.
- I recently spent a bit too much time trying to rub an age spot off the back of my hand.
- My knees have wrinkles. Even with all the cardio I do. When I run and look down, they appear to be frowning at me. My knees are not very inspirational.
- 2 drinks feel like 10. Even when it’s just Kool-Aid.
Ok, I’m done. I could go on, but I’m getting depressed. And I have to go and take my Metamucil. See you at the Early Bird Special.