Someone posted this on Facebook the other day:
And I thought, “holy crap, no kidding.” I can’t even begin to imagine it. I probably would have spent more time in the principal’s office, rehab or even been shipped off to Military School had my parents known the half of it.
Being a teenager 30 years ago is pretty much the same as being a teenager now. The difference is we didn’t get caught (as often). We had ways of intercepting the dreaded phone call from the school secretary claiming we didn’t show up for Math Class. If we told a “friend” a secret, it took more than 3 minutes to circulate our school and the surrounding towns. And hiding bad grades? Damn, I was an expert at that. I would have been screwed if my mom and dad had access to a “Parent Portal.”
Kids today can’t do anything fun without going to great lengths to keep it hidden. I could, as well as most anyone, pretty much write a book on all the mishaps of my teen years. And I may. But for now, here are just a few:
- Doing donuts on Lake Mahopac in January in a friend’s car. With NO seatbelt. Not that a seatbelt will save you as your car breaks through and you sink to the bottom of an icy abyss.
- Driving an abandoned vehicle in a field. With shards of glass flying in my face from the remains of a smashed out windshield.
- Driving to the edge of a cliff to see how close we could get without going over. (By now you get that I enjoyed doing crazy car crap. My insides are creeping out just thinking about it.)
- Drinking beer at the A&P until midnight when my parents thought their sweet girl was at the movies with Heidi. If Facebook existed, I’m pretty sure one of the friends I hung out with would have tagged me. Completely blowing my cover.
- Cutting class. Well, there most likely would have been some kind of page dedicated just for “Mo’s Skipped Classes.” And what I did while cutting class? It would have gone viral for sure.
- The time I threw Mickey Dee’s BBQ sauce in the face of an ex pretty much stayed in the Mickey Dee’s. Or else peeps would still be talking about it, right?
- The vomit I spewed onto my boyfriend’s driveway got hosed away into the grass and that is where it stayed. Not on some cell phone camera for the class of 1986 and beyond to see for their viewing pleasure.
If I knew half the shit I did would be out in cyberspace, I may think twice. Or not. I just thank god I wasn’t bred in this generation. The half-brain I possessed would not have had the ability to filter out the good from the bad. Unfortunately, only part of me has grown up. Every day, I have to put forward a real effort to not do or say anything stupid. I wish filters were as readily available as Youtube. The world would be a better place, wouldn’t it?
If you liked my Cal-Pro story, you’ll love this one. It’s quite obvious that my parents were on a budget. So in addition to not being able to obtain Adidas, I couldn’t have Jordache jeans either.
What I did have were these totally rad gauchos. My mom had a sewing machine. Unfortunately for me, she wasn’t very good with it. Every time I saw a pattern out on the table, I’d pray it wasn’t for me.
This one particular outfit stands out for me mostly because I wore it for my first day in a new school. I was 12. 12 was a pinnacle year for me for fashion. My gauchos were made with the stiffest denim known to man. I believe the material was meant to upholster bus seats with. What happens when you make gauchos out of stiff denim? You become a triangle. The top was a short sleeved shirt with an elastic neckline. Why elastic? I guess there was a sale on it. Add in knee socks and saddle shoes and I am a total trend setter.
Honestly, I don’t know how I had any friends. It must have been my winning personality. Well, at least the saddle shoes were the same size. Sorry, mom. I know you meant well. At least you clothed us. But an elastic neckline? Were you trying to kill me on purpose? Gag.
Let’s go back to 1979. Remember Caldor? Well, do you remember the bin in the back of the shoe department? You know the one. It was filled to the brim with Cal-Pro sneakers. Each shoe was attached to its twin by a really nice elastic rubber band. Awesome. Every 12 year old girl’s dream.
Yup, you guessed it. I was one of the lucky few who got to actually own a pair of these. When all my friends had those totally nerdy Adidas and Pumas, I got Cal-Pros. I was incredibly cool. The envy of all the school.
The first time I tried them on was at gym class. When I got them on, I saw that one shoe was a whole size larger than the other. I literally spent the entire class with my toes lined up so it would look like they were the same size. I’ll tell you, playing dodgeball with your feet pressed together doesn’t work very well. Let’s just say I was an easy target.
I’m not sure what ever happened to those sneakers. Did my mom return them? I don’t remember. I guess I blocked it out. And the rubber band system? What were they smoking at the factory? Thanks a lot potheads. You were a huge help in my development and for that I’m forever indebted to you.
I am the mother of a 14 year old. I am just about at that stage in my life when I will have to start searching her friends’ bags when they come over for any hidden paraphernalia. For instance: beer, vodka, bongs…
Now I was no saint when I was a teen. But I didn’t start acting like a complete dumb-ass until I was at least 16. What’s with these kids today and their need to grow up so fast? Teenagers are stupid. Even though at this age I proclaimed to my mother that MY children will be allowed to do whatever they wanted.
I worry that my kid will make the wrong decision someday but for right now I’m feeling pretty confident that she won’t.
Here are just some of my reasons:
- She will not take cough medicine even though she is coughing so badly she has all but coughed up her esophagus.
- She will not swallow her Flintstone vitamin AND an Advil because she’s afraid of drug interaction.
- She will not spray a little saline up her nose to help ease some dryness for fear of becoming addicted.
- She will not take Tylenol because someone once told her it will kill her liver.
So, to those mom’s who also check bags…I think you may be safe with this one. Unless she’s holding it for someone else. But that is a whole other topic.