Tag Archives: threading

Medieval Torture?

Inflict torture on our bodies.  That’s what we women do.  All in the name of Beauty.  Yesterday, as I was sitting in The Threader’s chair, with tears running down my face, little hairs itching my nose and a strong urge to punch the threading broad in the face and take her stupid floss and shove it where the sun don’t shine, I started wondering why we do these things to ourselves.  After I was finished tormenting myself, I walked around looking like I tried to set fire to my face:

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(There I go looking like Droopy again.  It’s uncanny, isn’t it?)

Then I got to thinking of all the other things we do for beauty.

Bikini Wax.  I did that.  Once.  About 16 years ago.  On the floor of the living room of my best friend’s apartment.  With 2 towels.  One in my mouth to prevent someone from calling the cops.  And one underneath me so when I bled to death, at least her carpet would be saved.  In retrospect, I probably should have gone to a professional.  It was likely equivalent to asking a butcher to cut my hair (sorry P, I know you tried).  And you women who go full-out and do that brazilian wax number?  If I wore a hat, I’d tip it to you.  You are some brave chicks.  There isn’t enough Holy Water in Jerusalem to get me to do that EVER.

Hair Coloring.  All those chemicals that get rubbed into our scalps.  I won’t highlight my hair but once or twice a year because I’m afraid of developing a brain tumor.  My stylist thinks I’m nuts.  But I remember when Jackie O died.  Everyone kept saying it was because she colored her hair too many times.  That totally freaked me out.  I’d rather walk around looking like Lillian Munster.

Fake Nails.  We ingest more chemicals during that process.  That shit seems so toxic to me.  Yes, I used to go get fake nails put on back before I was married.  But now I’m scared to death of all that.  I’m good with my nubs.  Besides, I can’t really hurt anyone, particularly The Threader, with what I have rockin’ at the end of my phalanges.

Botox, boob jobs, nips, tucks.  It’s endless.  All for what?  So we can look good, of course.  People don’t want to look at our hairy faces, sagging foreheads or breasts that wobble to and fro’.  What’s wrong with embracing our natural beauty?  Apparently, this chick doesn’t agree.  She looks much better now, don’t you think?

Jocelyn-Wildenstein-“Cat-Woman”-Before-After-Plastic-Surgery

Her “before” picture is to the right, believe it or not.  She sure was ugly once.

In the Bush

I have bushy eyebrows. Bushy to the point where a weed wacker is in order.  They are thick and dark. Even though I am naturally blonde.

My mother was kind enough to hand these furry beasts down to me.  Here is her senior class picture:

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I know.  They don’t look bad.  That’s because she shaved them completely off and this is the regrowth.  If you look closely, you can see the bald, uneven spots.  She was also blind in one eye that day.  She says that was the start of a lifetime of migraines.  Or she slipped with the razor.

Here I am at my bushiest:

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My hair looks dark because I am 8 months pregnant.  I also had pin straight hair before her conception. So now in addition to straightening, I have to dye to achieve the ‘before” look.

Not too bad from this vantage point.  But on closer inspection you would have noticed that they are growing up, down and all around.  My mother pointed that out to me about 14 years ago.  She should talk.

So, I started tweezing.  I plucked the freaking hell out of those bush balls.   I didn’t pluck them all the way off, but I may as well have.   They were baldy, sparse and they didn’t match.

My plucking turned to waxing which turned to threading.  No, threading does not entail people threading fake eyebrows on, which is what I thought it was when I first heard the word.  It involves 2 pieces of floss-like string.  This string is twisted and used to pluck out a line of hair.  The pain ranks right up there with scrubbing your face with an acid wash.  I choose to thread because believe it or not, it’s less abrasive than waxing.  I don’t walk around looking like I have diaper rash on my face for 5 days with threading, like I did when I waxed.

Anyway, I went too far those years ago.  I see women in Hollywood with beautifully shaped eyebrows and know I will never have them.  Because I plucked my hair follicles to the point of murder. I am green with eyebrow envy.

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I would just about sell my first born for these babies. Just about.

You know where my brow follicles seem to have appeared?  Anywhere between my neck and nose.  If I catch myself in the sunlight looking in the mirror, I am praying for some tweezers.  Isn’t it funny how as we age the hair on our head thins, but the hair on our face, chin and neck thickens?  Yes.  And I’m laughing all the way to the electrolysis.