I’ve always considered myself “young.” I’ve never acted my age. Ever. Even now, as a mother. The Kid is constantly reprimanding me because of my inappropriate behavior. I do silly things. Make dumb choices. Laugh when someone farts.
But not only have I always acted young. I always looked young. When I was 12, I looked 8. When I was 18, I looked 14. And so on. When I finally turned 21 and I ordered my first legal glass of White Zin, the waitress stared at my I.D. for about 17 seconds then accused me of forging my birth year. I got carded for quite a while. And then, I didn’t. Huh.
So, when two “collegues” in the span of about 7 days approached me at My Retail Job asking for my advice because I am a “mature woman” I was a little more than shocked. Me? Mature? What do you mean? I looked around to make sure they weren’t speaking to someone else. Like some old biddy standing behind me, perhaps?
Unfortunately, they weren’t. “You know, you’ve been around a while. You know what to do.” I ran home both times and stared at myself in the mirror. Okay, so I have a few more wrinkles than usual, my lips are pretty much non-existent (why does that happen) and my jowls rival those of Julia Childs. But come on. I’m not old. Am I?
Hmmm. I do tend to pee without warning when I sneeze, cough or just because. I can’t remember what I did 30 seconds ago pretty much all the time. I need longer arms so I can read. My hair is going gray. I have parenthesis between my eyes. My knees are sagging. And my boobs have joined them. My body aches when I get out of bed in the morning. I need to turn up the volume on the TV to about 42. Oh. Holy Shit. I’m old. When the hell did that happen? But, I was just young the other day. I swear it.
Ok, so this old chick isn’t giving free advice anymore. If you want it, you’re gonna pay. Except it ain’t gonna be a nickle. Hey, we seniors have to make a living. And if you ask for advice and use the word “mature” in any form, there’s going to be a premium added. Let this be your warning. Have a nice day you whipper-snappers.