You’re So Vein

noun a swollen vein or group of veins in the region of the anus.

I'm talking about YOU, Hemmorhoid
I’m talking about YOU, Hemorrhoid

Have you ever had a hem-or-roid?  You know, that itchy, painful, itchy thing in and/or around your bottom? I think, I’m not sure because I’m no doctor, that I may have one. I don’t know how I got it, but it kinda blows. Well, not really. It actually itches.

Anyway, I’m not here to tell you that I have a hemorrhoid even though I just did. It’s this actual little problem of mine that brings to mind a very embarrassing story from my younger days. It involves DH and what he did for love. And because I love to share embarrassing stories. It’s what I live for.

It was fairly early on in our relationship. One day I woke up with this itchy-itch down below. Not in the front down below, in the back down below. It was relentless. While at work during this time, I spent half my day in the bathroom, panty hose around my knees and a wad of toilet paper, well, you know.

I was perplexed.  I didn’t know what it was.  At the time, DH’s brother was a nurse. Yes, we did. We asked him. I must have been drunk or something because I allowed DH to call him. And explain my symptoms. Here was his advice….

“Go into a dark room.  Make sure the lights are all out, I mean completely dark.  Have her get on all fours, bum in the air, take a flashlight and here’s where you have to be quick…flash that light right into her rectum.  If you see something move, then she’s got worms.” Okay, so maybe I shouldn’t use quotation marks here because I’m sure that wasn’t his exact words and it was 27 years ago, but it’s close enough.

WORMS???  What?  Did he think I was a 5 year old who sat in the sandbox for too long?  Sure, maybe I behaved like one sometimes, but really?  No way, no way in hell am I doing tha…Okay, but just this once.  Just don’t tell anybody.

Needless to say, I did not have worms.  I could have saved myself a little bit of humiliation by just skipping the brother nurse and flashlight test and gone directly to my good, old physician instead.  Which is what I wound up doing anyway.  And the cream worked.  Until now.  Well, that was 27 years ago…so, what’s my point?  Hi, my name is Mo and I have a hemorrhoid. If you see me at the pharmacy, I’m getting…umm…lipstick?

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