Apparently, I am a garbage collector. I know I’m not alone. I know this because I’ve seen others. Right now I will speak for myself. My bag is filled with so much nonsensical crap, it’s almost embarrassing. When I reach my hand in there, I never know what’s going to come out.
After shopping the other day (Marshall’s), I needed hand sanitizer. I reached into my bag to locate it. After a couple of minutes, I came up empty. When I got home, I did an inventory of the items in my bag:
- a lollipop stick with no lollipop attached to it.
- 23 pieces of gum laying in the bottom of my bag. Some wrapped. Some not. Some chewed.
- 2 sanitary napkins even though I haven’t had my period in 3 years.
- Shop Rite receipts and those coupons they give you at checkout. Many of them.
- 2 grocery lists.
- $5.27 worth of change.
- Enough mints to choke a small horse. Because gum just isn’t enough.
- Receipt from a doctor’s visit.
- Wallet with everything but actual money in it and an empty change purse.
- Dirty loose tissues.
- 3 pens.
- 4 lip glosses.
- Reading glasses.
- Emery board.
- Umbrella (I’ve never used it but my mother always tells me I need to be prepared).
- Aspirin and Tums.
- An envelope.
- A ziplock bag filled with Big Y silver coins.
- Hand sanitizer (it was under the umbrella).
Why do I need all this? I don’t. Not really. Well, maybe. You never know when you will need a pen. I have this great fear of being kidnapped and not being able to leave a note for my would-be rescuer(s). Chapstick is a definite must-have since I am a literal chapstick junky. Really. I’ll just go into an epileptic fit if I don’t moisten at least every hour. The rest, I don’t know. I guess I can leave the Tums at home. If my nail breaks, that can wait too. My reading glasses? I guess I can leave them…no, those are a necessity. I’m Mr. Magoo when trying to read print smaller than 3″. And I’m not hanging them around my neck so don’t suggest it.
Ok. So, here is what I really need: Wallet. Phone. Maybe my glasses. Men do it. Why can’t we? Don’t you think it’s time to simplify? Well, no. Because then we won’t have a cute accessory or any place to put our hands. Or any place to put our shit. I mean, we can’t very well walk around carrying all this stuff in our arms. And we kind of need it all. Don’t we?