What’s In a Bag?

I literally looks like my pocketbook threw up.
Doesn’t it look like my pocketbook threw up?

Apparently, I am a garbage collector.  I know I’m not alone.  I know this because I’ve seen others.  Right now I will speak for myself.  My bag is filled with so much nonsensical crap, it’s almost embarrassing.  When I reach my hand in there, I never know what’s going to come out.

After shopping the other day (Marshall’s), I needed hand sanitizer.  I reached into my bag to locate it.  After a couple of minutes, I came up empty.  When I got home, I did an inventory of the items in my bag:

  • a lollipop stick with no lollipop attached to it.
  • 23 pieces of gum laying in the bottom of my bag.  Some wrapped.  Some not.  Some chewed.
  • 2 sanitary napkins even though I haven’t had my period in 3 years.
  • Shop Rite receipts and those coupons they give you at checkout.  Many of them.
  • 2 grocery lists.
  • $5.27 worth of change.
  • Enough mints to choke a small horse.  Because gum just isn’t enough.
  • Receipt from a doctor’s visit.
  • Wallet with everything but actual money in it and an empty change purse.
  • Dirty loose tissues.
  • 3 pens.
  • 4 lip glosses.
  • Reading glasses.
  • Chapstick.
  • Emery board.
  • Umbrella (I’ve never used it but my mother always tells me I need to be prepared).
  • Aspirin and Tums.
  • An envelope.
  • A ziplock bag filled with Big Y silver coins.
  • Hand sanitizer (it was under the umbrella).

Why do I need all this?  I don’t.  Not really.  Well, maybe.  You never know when you will need a pen.  I have this great fear of being kidnapped and not being able to leave a note for my would-be rescuer(s).  Chapstick is a definite must-have since I am a literal chapstick junky.  Really.  I’ll just go into an epileptic fit if I don’t moisten at least every hour.  The rest, I don’t know.  I guess I can leave the Tums at home.  If my nail breaks, that can wait too.  My reading glasses?  I guess I can leave them…no, those are a necessity.  I’m Mr. Magoo when trying to read print smaller than 3″.  And I’m not hanging them around my neck so don’t suggest it.

Ok.  So, here is what I really need:  Wallet.  Phone.  Maybe my glasses.  Men do it.  Why can’t we?  Don’t you think it’s time to simplify?  Well, no.  Because then we won’t have a cute accessory or any place to put our hands.  Or any place to put our shit.  I mean, we can’t very well walk around carrying all this stuff in our arms.  And we kind of need it all.  Don’t we?

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One Reply to “What’s In a Bag?”

  1. Oh goody! I’m so glad that after reading about your purse inventory that I didn’t see those Cookie Lee earrings listed. You know, the ones I had given you months ago to disperse to your friends? They were buried so deep at one point, but guess you must have found them under that never-used umbrella! Haha! Very funny stuff, but oh so true. You always start my day with a good laugh! Who knew I had such a talented and funny daughter! Love You!!!!

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