Won’t You Be My Friend?

1. I pee when I laugh too hard.  I’ve been known to run to the toilet and pee through my pants to save a carpet.  Just ask my best girlfriend P (“P”.  Haha).
2. I love to eat.  I am capable of breaking the diets of close friends because I am a really bad influence.  Even if you think you are focused.  I’m not kidding.  Let that be your warning.
3. I can be a bit of a hypochondriac.  Remember my eye dotty thing?  I really thought I would die and started planning my funeral in my head.  It was beautiful.
4. I am laid back but prone to anxiety attacks (isn’t that an oxymoron?).  Mainly because I’ve eaten a pound of nachos with a shitload of sour cream for dinner and I’m afraid I will keel over of a heart attack in my sleep.
5. Don’t tell my mother but I would prefer to watch The Housewives of NYC than the State of the Union speech.
6. I am peri-menopausal and will wake up in a pool of sweat deeper than the pool at the “Y”.
7. I have the memory of a goldfish.  You will find that out if you make plans with me and I forget.
8. I suffer from FIMD — Foot in Mouth Disease.  I am extremely inappropriate, loud mouthed and obnoxious.  You never know what will come out of my mouth so beware.
9. I snore.   Bring a pair of earplugs if you stay over because otherwise you will think someone is cutting wood with a jackhammer.  DH hasn’t slept since 1992.
10. I think Robert Redford is hot even though he is so old he is moldy.  Oh, Hubbell.

Even after knowing all that, I hope you still will be my friend.  I’m really putting myself out there.  What do I need to know to be your friend?